Amantes amentes
by Peppermint-Poppy
Summary: He doesn't think he can handle her. The truth is: he can't. MUSEUM!AU, with Guard!Soul and Chef!Maka. SoMa, implied TsuStar. Will be two or three shot.


**So yeah. This happened. I was sitting quietly in my room, and was like: Ohhh, what do I have here? And I found this. It's uncomplete, and will be probably two or three shot. Museum!AU with guard! Soul, and head of Department!Maka. And beacause I am writing this author note so late in night- it's near midnight, my parents would kill me if they saw the light coming from my room, because in the morning I'm like a walking corpse-I'm going to make this short. **

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own SoulEater. **

**Rewiews pay for cofee!**

* * *

The first time he had gotten called to her office was about month ago. He actually didn't know why he was summoned, but Star's sickly sweet smile that erupted on his face when he heard Soul being called to Sector leader's office, told him that he was, indeed, in a deep shit.

He ate his tuna sandwich really slowly (because it was _his pause_ that was interupted, thank you very much) drawing out the inevitable, then stood up and made his way to the doors of the small cafeteria. He tried not to feel offended and weirded out, with everyone snickering behind his back, truculent smiles on their faces, and Liz calling ut an 'Good luck Evans, she is one hella of a lady!'.

Hm. Some true friends he had made.

Even the transparent: 'Having lunch together helps create an inseparable collective. Let your colleague watch your back!' above the eatery doors hanged mockingly. Ssshyeah, 'inseparable collective'. His ass. They would sooner feed him to padded lions (or, apparently, to this employees-hungry Albarn lady).

He hadn't met the Albarn before actually, never had the pleasure, had been working here for only two months. But he heard rumors about her, and they were downwards scary. Star had been going around the workplace like he owned it a few weeks ago with a tenis-ball sized bulge on his forehead, saying that he had countered 'The wonder woman Albarn' herself (he probably deserved the punch, if his previous comments were any indication). Everyone from the Guarding department had hollered and clapped him on the back (which had boosted his ego a big bit and everyone regreted their actions by next hour or so).

And now _he_ was the one making his way into 'the lions mouth', _alone_. His hands were becoming increasingly clammy with every step he took in the direction of her office, his heart thuddering loudly in his ears and his ribcage.

By the time he was standing in front of her door, raising his fist to knock few times, he was just ready, pride or not, to turn around and go back where he had come from.

Well it was too late, he had already knocked. The golden name tag on the door saying 'Maka Albarn, head director' did nothing to calm down his nerves. He breathed in and out, steadying his shaking limbs, waiting for an invitation.

"Come in." Her voice was a bit muffled, courtesy of the heavy wooden door.

He slowly reached for the doorknob, twisting it down, and pushed the door a little. They opened slowly, revealing a small, yet somehow cozy office to his eyes, but he didn't make a step past the door sill. He was standing there like an idiot. Thank god she had her back turned to him, currently digging around some files in wooden cupboard. He took that sacred last step inside, sealing whatever had his fate prepared for him in this office.

"Please, Mr. Evans close the door behind you." She was still not turned to him, and he took the moment to look for the first time at her. His quick look-over turned to an appreciative stare, because, wow, that black pencil skirt was doing a really great job at accentuating her ass...

He had pictured her in his head like some stricken poisoned-from-life old lady and certainly not like some chick with, admittedly, a really great set of assets (sue him for being a legs-man, fuck). Maybe she was the secretary? Couse she was waaay too young to be the head director, even if he couldn't tell her age for sure, without first seeing her fa...

She found whatever she had been looking for, with an triumphant 'Aha! ', startling him a little. He realized that he should't be oogling woman, he was probably working for. Probably. Even if those were some godly shaped legs and fuck, dat ass ...

Okay, he needed to stop _right_ now if he wanted to keep his job in check for longer than five minutes from now on.

She was still shuffling with the papers and he contemplated calling out fo her and asking her where he could find Miss Albarn (and, also,asking her for her name and probably number).

He opened his mouth to ask, when she she turned around, and he was met with the greeniest of eyes, so livid and big...

She thrusted her hand out and said: "I'm Maka Albarn, the Biology-sector chef," he cringed in his mind. He had been assuming wrongly afterall. What if he did actually ask where he could find her? That would be so lame. She continued: "It's nice to meet you Mr. Evans. Please, take a seat."

She rounded her table, setting down the files and looked at him expectantly. He abandoned his position by the door and made his way to the chair in front of her mahagony desk, sitting down. She shuffles with the papers for a minute then sets them down and looks at him expectantly.

"I trust that we haven't met before? You have been working here for," she made a small pause and looked down at the files, which he realized just now, were his, "two and half months, is that true?"

"Uhhh, I think so…." Really suave. He mentally face palmed himself. She looked him in the eye and continued.

"You are probably wondering why I called you here." She made a small hand motion in the general direction of her door, "but don't worry, it's nothing grave."

It turned out that some Ox named dick-face had reported him, becouse he, apparently, didn't stop some brat soon enough, when he had tried touching the exponates. It was an triceratops cranium, but hey, the kid hadn't touched the thing with his greasy fingers, (because he _did_ stop him), and what fuckin' else did they want?

Besides if it was that precious, why wasn't it under glass? He didn't tell her this of course, it would have been impolite (and probably unhealthy) to do so.

But he was a rookie, and therefore she didn't shout at him, nor did she bash his brains out (yeah Star totally said some rude comment to her, probably about her tits, which were, as he now noted, just a modest, if not plain bumps), but he wasn't going to complain about that. She only scolded him a little, told him to watch out for school and grade-school attending kids ("Those bratty things are the worst, you have to watch their every move,"), and then let him go, apologizing for interupting his lunch and wishing him a nice day.

And as he closed the door of her small office he couldn't help but to think that this was a bit weird. But he was living ,and didn't have a scratch on him. Huhhh. Maybe the rumors weren't true. Or he was one lucky bastard.

He made it out of the offices, and down to the basement where the rest of his lunch waited, cracking his knuckles and grinning devilishly. It was time time to kick one Ox-guys overmotivatedd ass.

* * *

Second time he sees her, it's in a place where he never tought he would.

She kicks open the cafeteria door, fury visible in her eyes and her posture, her bun hanging croockedly on the side of her head. So this was what everyone had been talking about. Abort! Abort! Angry Albarn in the building!

His arms freeze on a halfway of their trajectory of bringing his slice of pizza to his mouth. He hopes that her gaze would somehow, miraculously, jump over him, and that she would retreat peacefully, no harm done. It's kind of an futile attempt on a prayer, considering he was the only one in the cafeteria at this time of day. Or more like night. Why did he have to go and eat before his shift has started? His stupid stomach.

Against all odds, he still hopes that she is not looking for him. But it quickly dissolves as her eyes find him and she shriekes an indignant 'You!'

Okay, time to abandon the ship. He hastily starts to pack his dinner, or what was left of it, feeling his adrenaline rise and his heart run on the maximum speed. Maybe he will make it around the table, if he leaves his dinner be right now (which was a real pity it was a hawaii pizza) and have a higher chance of succesfully dashing to the door and to the safe depths of museum. But he will need to start up the engine _right now_ .

So he leaves everything be (even his walkie-talkie, fuck), rounds the table (his knee protests at being slammed so forcefully against the wooden leg) and makes about three strides into the direction of his future protection, when he realizes that Maka is no longer within thirty–feet radius, like she was mere two secs ago, but more like almost-fucking-pressed into his face.

He has to stop abruptly (so he wouldn't slam into the ball of lightning-n'-fury and most probably catch on fire), his ballance thrown off at this.

He staggers lamely on his toes, stopping only hairsbreath from her face (Thank God!) and then falls sideways. His arms flail awkwardly, grabbing a hold of the nearest thing, which just so happens to be Liz's tall barstool chair (where the hell did she even steal that thing?), that does exactly zero percent to prevent his falling.

He lands hard, on his back, and the baarstool tips right over him, succesfully caging him in, and preventing him from further escape. He is officialy caught, with Maka looming dangerously over him, hand on her cocked to the side hip.

"Where is he!?"

"What? What the hell lady! Who are you even talking bout?"

"Oh, come on," she gives him an annoyed look, "I know you two always hang out, he won't shut up about his new 'peasant', " she makes quotationmarks with her fingers at the word 'peasant', "so don't try to cover up for him!"

"What?" He repeats himself. His look of utter confusion probably makes her believe that he genuinely doesn't know who she is talking about.

She huffs and then gritts out dryly, "where's Blake." It comes out like a sandpaper promise of what's to come if he doesn't spill the beans soon. But a big rock falls from his heart, because, she wasn't looking for him! It was Star she wanted to possibly-murder!

"Well?" She taps her foot impatiently on the floor.

He finally untangles himself from the stupid chair and kicks it away with a loud clatter. He then tries to sit up slowly, wincing at the sharp pain coming from his tailbone. Holy- dick- that hurt like bitch.

"Uhhh, I don't know?"

"What do you mean you don't know?" He looks up, quiting nursing his bothered tailbone, her eyes hitting his gaze with metal-melting energy.

"I mean," he makes pause to look himself over for any other damage, "that he called in sick, and I don't posses information of his every move, so I don't know where his 'majesty'," he makes quotation marks, mockingly mimicking her previous actions, "currently is,"

She glares at him, and then repeats slowly, "he called in... sick?"

"Yeah, that's what I said?" He leans back on his arms, head cranned back uncomfortably to look at how her creatures shift from angry to furious again.

"I will fucking kill that bastard, when he shows up his face here again!" she starts pacing aroud, kicking tables and chairs in the process, "I will chop him so hard, that his oh-so-precious jewels will split open," Soul winces simpatethingly at this. Family jewels were a precious thing afterall. "And fucking jut his eyes out with _this_ spoon!" She then snatches a lonely anonymous spoon from random table, and starts throwing her arms out, her chest heaving and bun hopping with every step she takes.

"I will make that motherfucker regret, that he ever..." her speech goes on, full of promises and words so improper for a young lady, her face getting redder the longer she speaks. He decides that he should calm her down, and preferingly now, else she may start flipping the tables.

She actually holds one be the rim, when he gets up, and catches her from behind, caging her in his much larger arms. Ske thrashes around and kicks like a wild horse, but he manages. He is a fucking museum-guard for Christs-sake! It would have been the greates shame if he couldn't hold down that petite of a woman. Even if she had strength of a lion. Star would never let him live it down.

She slowly gets it together, with his stream of 'calm down, get it together, you are supposed to be the cool one' murmurs against her ear. She is no longer the wild bear she was minutes ago, deflating enourmously when she realizes her improper _acting_.

After few,very awkward and very still moments she clears her throat, and says, " I think you can let me go now," signalizing for him to release her, which he does so, even if reluctantly.

He lets her fall out of his arms, and she takes two steps from him, straightens her skirt and her hair, so it doesn't fall in her eyes. She looks uncomfortable and embarassed by her thryst. Also the top buttons on her blouse are unbuttoned, but he isn't going to tell her that. Especially if her bra is peeking. Even if it's only a polka dot

"You cool now?" he asks, "not gonna damage the property anymore?" dubious undertone intented.

She clears her throat again and breaths out an 'fine now,' hiding her eyes behind her bangs. There is a moment of uncomfortable silence, filled with his foot-to-foot shuffling, and her closing and reopening her fists, her shoulders hunched forward. He decides to cut this after few more seconds. "Care to explain to me what as this all about?"

She tenses, clenching her fists so hard the veins on the back of her palms juts out. She then breaths out, relaxing her palms. "I would like to not so."

He snorts and says: "well I think it's only fair, considering _I_ stopped _you_ from wreaking havoc."

"Maybe you could use a little walk, you know, to clear your head?"

She lifts her head, and then nodds slowly.

"Okay, my shift started like..." he looks down at his watch, "three minutes ago, so I need to go. Do you maybe wanna come patrol with me?"

She shrugs, but after few secs nodds again. " 'Kay, I'll just grab my food and we can go."

So he goes back to his table, and takes what was left of his lunch (there is not much, in his haste escape he had thrown his remaining pizza slice on the floor and it fell down with the sticky side doown, so he has to throw it out too), and throws the paper bag to trash bin by the counter. He opens the door for Maka and makes his way out after her.

They walk wordlessly out of the basement, and up the stairs to the first floor.

His patrolling routine is always the same; he starts up in near the entrance in the Central hall, then goes over the blue zone in the west wing, starting in the dinosaur exposition and ending in mammals department. They were usually two of them keeping guard in each zone, him and Star in blue zone for this week.

He was supposed to be alone this night and yet he is walking here, now, trought the Dinosaurus gallery with his boss beside him.

"So ..." he starts.

"So?"

"So..." The exchange is lame, and this is not how he imagined it going, so he continues:"so, what did he do?"

Perhaps he shoudn't have aked, should have let her cool a little longer, because the corner of her mouth starts twitching and he gets ready to catch her again if needed. They are walking by the skeleton,which is big but delicate, holded just by ropes. They wouldn't stand a chance against her temper. And _not_ stopping someone (even if it was The Boss) from damaging the museum property would't look good on his wage ticket.

He quickly shoots another question to distract her. "Ehh, why were you here at this time? I mean, weren't you supposed to be home already?" Nice save. Yeah, he was good.

She manages to calm down her mouth-twitch, and opens her mouth to respond, "Yeah I was, but tomorow we are opening the new coral-reef exhibition, and developers needed to stay longer. I helped them arrange few more things. We needed to check exponents as a last thing, and...

"And?" He prompts her to continue.

"And I went to fetch the catalogue from the stock. And then... And then I hear something. Two racks from me I found Ox bound up to chair. Turns out Blake had tied him down, because Ox had seen him and Baki doing things in janitors closet, which is also_ unforgivable_. Blake will be lucky if he won't sue him, because he had been there since this morning..."

So now he **knows.** Of course it's something that only Blackstar would invent. He can't help but to agree with Maka; Star was a complete Moron.

* * *

"Ha –CHOO! Fuck! Someone's talking 'bout my higness! My peasants think about me every time of the day!" And then he continues with his trademark 'YAHOO, bitches'

"Blackstar," Tsubaki catches his forearm, before he can jump on her small glass table, and probably shred it to pieces, "language."

" 'Course Baki." He settles back down and continues to watch TV in relative silence, only the noise of him stuffing his face with pop-corn and sounds of TV audible.

"You don't feel bad that you lied about beeing sick? " Tsubaki asks after few minutes, eyes trained on him.

"Hmmmm." He looks at her too, seemingly pondering on her question. "Nope." He says popping the p, grinning widely.

"Not even a little? I don't think that it was right or good thing to do so." Hm. It was so like Baki to worry herself with such things. That was why he loved her.

"Oh come on, it's okay. What would they do to the _almighty_ me?"

Tsubaki only smiles worriedly. She knows what Maka is capable of when ticked off.

"Hey Baki?"

"Yes Blackstar?"

He waggles his eybrows suggestively, whick makes her giggle, " Wanna me to show you the right things I can do?"

She only laughs more loudly, and Blake's grin widens from ear to ear. He hops up, swoops Tsubaki of the sofa, carrying her bridal-style to her bedroom. _Nope, totally not sorry. At all. _

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**A.N: So, I haven't been updating at all. Ahh. Doesn't matter. I will try to update soon though. It was like five months since I wrote this first chapter? And this is reedited recently. But only by me, so there are bound to be many other mistakes. I am currently looking for a beta, so that matter should be settled in the near future.**

**I don't really know where I was heading with this, but I will try.**


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